Especially For Young Women



He Looks Like Daddy


baby_monsterHe Looks Like Daddy Seemingly innocent comments such as 'He's got his father's eyes' or 'She's got her daddy's hair' are in fact a concerted, if subconscious, effort by a mother to convince their partner that he really is the father.

Subconscious? Yeah. Right.


THAT is who she is!

That baby could have been born with green skin and four pairs of eyes in the centre of its chest and yet that no-good HUSSY would still say that it looked like you.

Take my advice. If she says it looks like you, go for a second opinion from a DNA-testing clinic. And tell that harlot that unless the results are more than sixty trillion to one, you want nothing more to do with her, because this proves, beyond doubt, that she has been philandering with other men behind your back.

Then tell her that you've had enough, that you can endure no more, and that you will no longer be cuckolded and abused by such a wicked woman.

This is the only way to guarantee paternity. 

Nepalese Goddesses Abused Isolated from family and friends, the young "living goddesses" of Nepal are revered, their every need accounted for and their every motion interpreted as divine instruction.

Apart from the 'young' bit, they sound just like my missus.

Alleged Fresher Rapist Cleared Jonathan Hagan, 22, walked free from court after being cleared of assaulting the drunken 19-year-old six days after she started university.

The girl said that the experience had left her afraid of being on her own. She said: "He has taken away my innocence and faith in people." 

"I'm afraid now to be on my own and when I go out I feel I can't let my guard down, I'm always looking over my shoulder suspiciously at any men near me."

I don't believe her.

Mind you. I do not think that this young man behaved very well. Nevertheless, I suppose that he thought he was doing her a favour. After all, he will have been brought up to believe in the feminist-inspired myth that sex for women is just the same as it is for men.

Indeed, he was probably disappointed that she did not writhe in uncontrolled ecstasy with every thrust.

But, I can tell you now that women are definitely not all the same when it comes to sex. No Sirree. While some will writhe hotly before you've even got up the stairs - if you see what I mean - others are more like blocks of ice. You need a blowtorch and a hammer-drill just to extract a tiny drop of their secret juices.

And with most women timing is very important indeed.

Is the moon in the right phase? Has Mars crossed Jupiter recently? What is the weather like in Alaska at the moment? Is it raining in Geneva? Is it snowing on Mount Etna?

These things are sexually important to a woman. A change in the weather somewhere north of Newfoundland and her orgasm has probably blown. After years of research and analysis, this is what my charts clearly show.



Nope. No sex for at least a month!


You cannot just shunt your way into her moist cavities and hope for the best. Indeed, there are many things that need to be considered before embarking on these most dangerous of missions. 

And for having sex with a brand new woman you really need to behave more like a bomb-disposal expert than an American marine. You need to fiddle for hours with her little fuses before prodding her wires with your pliers or she is likely to explode and leave a nasty mess on your new wallpaper.

Indeed, the whole arduous enterprise is more like huffing and puffing your way up a huge mountain that spans an entire continent than breezily floating downstream without a care in the world.

And woe will most definitely betide you should you utter the wrong syllable outside its divinely-allotted nano-second while finely tuning her hidden dials, because she will likely transform before your very eyes into a horrible gorgon with gnashing teeth.

"Why did you say that?" she will snap. "You're gonna have to start all over again."

And so my advice to young and inexperienced men is this.

Go for older women; especially nurses and policewomen. The nurses are always pleasantly desperate and the policewomen are like rapacious baboons who will copulate enthusiastically with almost anything that looks like a truncheon.

I kid you not!

But forget the schoolteachers. They are an angry and aggressive bunch who spend their days shouting at children. And it won't be long before they are doing the very same to you. Besides which, they will probably give you homework to do.

And, of course, older women are definitely the best - by a mile. You just need to handle them with a bit of caution, that's all; so always have a broom, a dustbin lid and a silver crucifix at the ready - preferably one that has been properly blessed by a high-ranking bishop - just in case of trouble; and you should be OK.

But don't bother trying to plan any future together or anything that involves charting a romantic course of action; because you've got a better chance of getting a coin to land on its edge having tossed it from an aeroplane on to a mattress in high winds.

There is just no way that you can predict a woman. The world of physics does not apply in her case. There is no formula or theorem that can guide you through the seething magma that bubbles away haphazardly inside her head. And so it is best to regard her as an unpredictably active volcano that will likely erupt every so often for no discernible reason. 

Better still, buy yourself a dog and take it out for walks or become a hermit.

That would be my advice.


'Some men spend a lifetime in an attempt to comprehend the complexities of women. Others pre-occupy themselves with somewhat simpler tasks, such as understanding the theory of relativity.' Albert Einstein.

And he was a genius!


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