Pregnant

4/12/01

Colin Asks Angry Harry For Advice

Dear Angry Harry,

I have been dating my girlfriend for about three months and she is already starting to talk about wanting a baby. Do you think that it is too early in the relationship to give her what she wants?

Colin

Dear Col

I can tell from your question alone that you are little more than a spineless and hapless simpleton. 

OF COURSE it is too early in the relationship to give her what she wants! It is ALWAYS too early in the relationship to give her what she wants. 

In fact, you should NEVER give her what she wants. 

NEVER!

And certainly not until after she has, at the very least, completely exhausted every last cell in her scheming body by looking after you in your old age.

Whatever she wants - and even if you want it too - don't give it to her! 

Refuse absolutely to pander to her exorbitant and unrealistic demands. 

A baby indeed!

She'll be demanding that you give her happiness next.

And, if you ever actually discover that you really are giving her what she 'wants' - perhaps without even realising it yourself - then snatch it right back immediately, forthwith, and toute de suite! Whip it right out of the clutches of those canny cloying clasping palms of hers. 

No way is she going to get her hands on that! 

No Sirreee.

Not if you have anything to do with it.

Tell her that you will simply not be bamboozled into playing the game whereby, Whatever Little Missie Wants, She Gets, just because you once said that you loved her. 

Anyway. It wasn't in writing. 

So, deny it.

Deny. Deny. Deny.

Aha. I see. 

So it was in writing. 

Well, putting it in writing doesn't count without a signed affidavit. 

And even if it did count, it still doesn't count when it comes to 'wants'. It only counts when it comes to 'needs' - like having rampant sex doggie-style in the utility room or fooling about with your pecker at the traffic lights.

I. 

Love. 

You! 

Oh! Indeedee Little Missy?

No Sirreee! 

She Who Wants ... NEVER gets. 

This is the ONLY game that we will ever play round here! 

YOUNG LADY! 

You tell her that!

But, be careful. Remember that your vocal chords are now legally classified as lethal weapons. So don't let anyone else hear you. 

Shout, and years later, she might have you shopped for domestic violence. Swear at her, and it'll be closer to homicide in the second degree. 

Call her a bi*tch, and she'll be diagnosed with Battered-Wife-Syndrome before you can scratch your ars*e twice.

And then she'll be legally entitled to kill you if you don't obey her every command thereafter.

So, verbally abuse her only when no-one else can hear you.

That would be my advice.

You could always go for a cold and menacing silence, I suppose. But, legally speaking, this is the equivalent of an assault with a deadly weapon these days - with absolutely no mitigating circumstances allowable!

This is where wimpy sops like you have led us.

Anyway. 

MADAM wants a baby now, does she? 

Hummph!

After three months? 

Hummph!

Who the hell does she think you are!? 

Arnold Schwarzenegger!!?

And anyway, how, exactly, are you supposed to know if she's the right one for you after only three months? 

Can she cook?

Have you seen her vomit?

Have you examined her mother closely enough?

Check out that mother of hers.

Very carefully!

Because her mother is exactly where she is heading. 

And time flies! 

One minute you're salivating over a succulent babe. The next minute you're trying to avoid shagging a truly horrible gargoyle replica of her mother. 

I repeat. Do not give her what she wants.

Whatever she wants, tell her that you really do not know where it is right now. 

And if she's 'really really' that desperate for it, then tell her to find it for herself.

Tell her that if she 'really really' loves you, then YOU - and you alone - are all that she 'really really' needs. 

Anything else would be a surplus to requirements, and an unwelcome distraction from your mutual love for each other. 

A baby right now would simply detract from the deep and meaningful relationship that seems to be developing so nicely between the two of you. 

Relationships are like wine. They need time to reach fulsomeness and clarity. They absolutely must not be meddled with - especially in the early stages.

'Fulsomeness' is a good one. They don't know what the hell it means, but it sounds fantastic.

The best time to talk about not having a baby is at about 3.00 am in the morning, preferably after a late night when she is menstruating and having severe period pains. 

You partially wake her up and tell her that this baby thing is constantly on your mind and that it won't let you sleep. Tell her that you also want to discuss the pros and cons of parenthood and the meaning of life.

Then, while she is in that hazy state between sleep and wakefulness, give her all the cons while poking her abdomen sharply with your index finger.

Try to make it hurt without waking her too much.

Now, there are two ways that this can go. 

Either she falls back to sleep, which is a success - because she might have painful nightmares about having children - or she begins to wake up fully - which means that you've probably blown it.

In this case, if you're not careful, you could be heading for an all-night session of here-we-go-round-in-circles-YET-AGAIN! 

And so the best plan now is to take evasive action immediately and fool her with the you-look-so-gorgeous-that-I-just-cannot-resist-you routine. 

And then get humping!

This scam is a last resort, and, anyway, it only works for about the first 6 months or so. 

So, use it while you can. 

But avoid, if possible. 

Remember, humping later leads to handouts. 

There's always a catch in it somewhere.

But, whatever you do, don't give that wanton hussy an inch! Or she'll take you for a mile and then spit you out like you were nothing more than a gob-filled knot of camel-dung tobacco after a six-day chew.

So. Give her nothing!

Nothing! 

d'ya hear!?