Preparing for a Terrorist Attack

Angry Harry's Essential Ten-Point Guide To Survival

1. Men are the divinely-appointed heads of their families at all times. This is a scientific fact. But this is especially the case in times of war or if there is any carnage on the horizon. You just cannot have women in charge at times like these because they will endanger the lives of everybody by dithering about and getting flustered every time that there is a bang or a squelching sound.

Women were sneakily designed for vicious verbal and emotional conflicts, not for physical ones. Their vocal chords and facial muscles were secretly evolved to deliver the same destructive force as modern-day machine guns, but without the need for bullets.

The brains of women were cunningly but loosely configured by nature to nag and to emote their enemies into surrender rather than to beat them into it. They were wired innately with crafty stratagems that twist and turn and loop forever round in circles with the specific purpose of never leading anywhere.

The devious idea behind this is to cause numbing waves of maximum confusion and despair to surge throughout the minds of their enemies, so making them wish that they had never actually been born.

Clever, eh?

And this tactic works exceedingly well with their own kith and kin, because they can usually corner them inside a room and then start pulverising their brains relentlessly with frenzied histrionics, psychotic tantrums, unmitigated verbal nonsense and non-stop talking. These and other fiendish weapons of mass hysteria are the tools of women's combat!

But when it comes to death, pestilence and violence emanating from sources other than your own loved ones, you need a man to figure out the best solutions. 

Women are just no good at these things. In fact, they are appreciably worse than useless.

You see - unlike people - viruses, chemicals, bullets and bombs just do not give a damn about the emotional venom that women might decide to spit at them.

They do not care!

They are not listening!

And so women have no chance of antagonising them to the point of self-destruction.

They have no wily weaponry with which to defeat them.

The role of women in war situations should therefore be firmly confined to preparing food and mopping up any unwholesome spillages that occur, such as blood and vomit, or those arising from heinously unexpected attacks of incontinence.

Furthermore, the sad truth shows pretty definitively that women have no more ability to work things out strategically than they have to work them out emotionally.

Always remember that.

And so if your wife insists on taking charge during a terrorist attack then get praying and prepare to die a lot earlier than anyone else in the neighbourhood.

Or, better still, shoot her!

2. Buy plenty of water and food - especially tinned food. Pack as much of your living space as possible with nutritious tinned food. But do not let anyone else know that you have begun hoarding, as this might start an unholy panic and then everybody will be doing it, which could easily restrict your supplies or, worse, raise the prices to an extremely unpleasant degree.

And take particular care not to let your neighbours or your best friends know that you have begun hoarding, because when they are finally starving those shameless scroungers will undoubtedly end up knocking frantically at your door with their bottomless begging bowls.

Turn them away and close the door in their greedy faces.

What did they ever do for you, eh?

Remember: The secret to successful hoarding is secrecy.

And so always keep your eyes open for passing strangers who look famished. They have drawn faces, wide eyes and their mouths hang open. They might be wandering the streets looking for any morsels and scraps that they can lay their pitiful hands upon. However, whatever you do, do not boast openly to them that you still have sufficient supplies in the bedroom to subsist most handsomely for at least another decade. They might become insanely belligerent and collaborate together to seek to persuade you into parting with most of your food.

And so the best thing to do in these circumstances is to look thin and exceedingly tired, and to fob them off with a few well-rehearsed lies. For example, you can point weakly but convincingly to the house a few hundred yards down the road and say that you heard a rumour that there was some food over there.

But, for goodness sake, do not buy any baked beans! This preposterous advice from the muddle-headed nincompoops at the Home Office will only lead to calamity.

Remember that you will need to seal your home from the outside world with duct tape and plastic bags. This means that no air can get in. But, worse by far, this also means that no air can actually get out! There is therefore just no way that any of you will survive for very long if baked beans figure in the daily diet. If the viruses and the chemicals don't asphyxiate you, then the random outbursts of unrestrained flatulence probably will.

It is therefore best to leave the baked beans on the shop shelves for the mentally impaired and the lower classes and, instead, to choose products considerably less likely to incite seriously bad attitudes throughout the entire household.

But please do not use up all the duct tape to cover up all the gaps , because it has many other uses.

3. Do not forget to buy plenty of toilet paper and make damn sure that the window in the bathroom functions satisfactorily. And if, for example, there is a warning of a terrorist attack in your neighbourhood, do not allow all your family members to stampede toward the bathroom en masse. The last thing you need at this point in time is a riotous eruption of domestic violence throughout the building that will take your attention away from the people outside who are trying to kill you.

The best thing to do is to keep your family members calm by issuing them with clear instructions and by conjuring up some convincing notion that somehow you are now entitled by law to inflict severe penalties on those who fail to obey your commands.

The way to deal effectively with multiple simultaneous digestive emergencies of the first degree is to order everyone who is hopping agitatedly from foot to foot to calm down and to stop overstating their case. They should then be directed to fetch pencil and paper and to write down secretly a rating from 1 to 10 to indicate a) the quantity expected and b) the urgency to expel it. The total number of points is then added up and the queue is arranged according to the following principles.

Score 21+: Someone has cheated - probably a woman or a little girl. They must go to the back of the queue immediately. No buts and pleases are acceptable. Those who cheat never prosper. To the back of the queue they must quickly go.

Score 19, 20: This is a person who exaggerates - probably a woman or a little girl. The punishment for exaggerating is the same as for a cheat. But exaggerators do not beat cheats. The cheats are the worst.

Score 16-18: This is urgent. Make way to let this person pass immediately. Do not ask any questions or cause any further delay. This is a Code Brown situation.

Score 11-15: Those who score in this region need to be firmly positioned in the queue - in single file - with the higher scorers nearer to the front. No talking or stomach-clutching is allowed, and nor is any groaning or over-acting. In the case of a tie, the males always have priority.

Score 0-10: The moaning minnies scoring in this region will just have to wait. They should be dispatched to fetch buckets, spades and gas masks in case there are any deeply unpleasant mishaps of the gustatory kind.

Eyes wide open. Sphincters tightly closed. This is the important rule to imprint upon the minds of all the household members.

4. If there are fatal viruses or chemicals in the air then try to breathe slowly. The slower the better. And, whatever you do, do not inhale too deeply. Filling your lungs to maximum capacity is not a good idea when there are poisons in the air. Short shallow breaths taken every half minute or so are definitely the best. And you can also save priceless air by breathing into each other's mouths. As one person inhales the precious air, the other exhales it - a bit like a see-saw - and this can help to recycle the air many times before it is used up. But if this life-saving ploy seems likely to create future emotional problems then abandon it forthwith. It is better to die quickly at peace with each other than to die slowly on unfriendly and ever-worsening terms in an increasingly hostile atmosphere.

5. If you find yourself fatally running out of essential supplies like food and water or air, then check out the neighbours and see if they are still alive, and, if so, how energetic they appear to be. With any luck they will already be dead or unconscious, which means that you should be able to get your hands on some of their provisions without too much difficulty - perhaps even a little furniture for when the attack is over.

And if you have recently heard them coughing, spluttering or choking for any length of time, then this is an excellent sign indeed.

On the other hand, if they still appear to be alive and kicking, then bear in mind that only the fittest will survive. So, try to take them out at nighttime when they are at their weakest and when no-one else will see you.

6. Watch over your wives and your daughters very carefully indeed. Put  a padlock on their knickers and keep them well in sight at all times for protection. And don't let them talk to any strangers on their own. At times like these, no-one can be trusted. And those ungrateful hussies would sell your very soul for an ounce of cheese.

Watch those devious harlots like a hawk. Check them out wherever they go. Ask them plenty of questions and see if you can trick them.

And also remember that there could be rapists and pillagers roaming the streets. Whatever you do, do not let them get their hands on your wives or your daughters unless they seem to have some suitable replacements on offer. In fact, do not even let them fondle the goods until you are about halfway through any deal. 

Should you find yourself involved in any haggling, emphasise that, contrary to appearances, your livestock has an excellent pedigree that goes back for fifteen generations, and so you can personally vouch for its very high quality.

In other words, lie through your teeth!

There is also an international convention that you should know about when it comes to bargaining away your womenfolk successfully. Unsurprisingly, not all women are worth the same amount when it comes to trading them in.

In fact, some of them will most likely be worth absolutely nothing at all.

For example, your grandma who sleeps all day will not have the same value as that frisky young floozy of yours whose idea of aerobics is to gyrate energetically around the garden every morning wearing little more than a moist red thong.

And if your grandma snores a lot or is unable to walk then she will actually be worth less than nothing because of all the aggravation and the upkeep.

Not a goddamn cent will you get for her!

My advice would be to tie a tag with a false address around her neck, wrap her up tightly in an old blanket, and then toss her onto the garbage heap at the bottom of the road so that fate can take its natural course.

Whatever you decide to do, however, you need to calculate the value of your little herd very carefully indeed if you are not to be cheated out of a good bargain.

As a rough guide, anything under 25 that doesn't look like a horse has got to be worth something. But anything over 40 is considered to be 'old meat', i.e. there is a lot of it available for free, but nobody actually wants to eat it.

For women in between those ages, well, it all depends really. You have to look very closely at the features that really count in times of shortage - perky breasts, firm butt, shapely legs, strong teeth, healthy gums, OK face, some hair etc. Can she walk? Can she talk? Can she cook?

You just can't afford to make any hard assumptions about these bitches when it comes to successful trading practice.

7. If there is a nuclear attack some TV stations might not be able to provide their normal schedules. To counter the loss of entertainment, it is a good idea to hire in advance a positively huge quantity of lengthy videos so that you can at least enjoy yourself during the holocaust.

This will also help to keep you looking on the bright side of life and stop you from becoming too downhearted over the truly horrifying, utterly sickening and horrendously painful death that you will most likely experience within the next few days.

But it is probably best not to tempt fate too cavalierly by hiring classic movie titles like "Gone with the Wind," or "Some Like it Hot."

Children will also need to be kept occupied. And if there is nothing on the TV screen for days on end, they could experience severe cold turkey symptoms - sweat, nausea, shivering, delusions etc. You should use this opportunity to whack their behinds unrestrainedly for all the things that they have done wrong that you never got to hear about, but which you damn well know that they must have done because it is genetically wired into them. And then, when their minds are clear again, you can deny everything.

8. Keep your eye on all the food supplies, preferably with a lock and chain. And don't let yourself be pestered into handing out any food on the basis of silly wants. Wants do not count when it comes to severe shortages in times of war. Projected future levels of insect infestation and fungus density are the only things that matter.

Each family member should also be given a ration booklet wherein everything that they consume is catalogued and countersigned by you. And if anyone is caught stealing your food - or is even suspected of doing so - some form of amputation should be threatened to indicate the seriousness of the crime.

A few gruesome photographs of bloodied amputees distributed liberally throughout the household can also act as a useful reminder of what can happen to those who steal a man's food.

9. If there is a gun in the house be sure to keep it about your person at all times. You never know when this might come in handy. For example, there might be a traitor among you. And if you discover that there really is a traitor among you, then, as assuredly as the Sun rises in the East, it will be that conniving little strumpet you foolishly made your wife. Don't hesitate to shoot her if necessary - for the sake of the children. That scheming trollop has been selling you down the river from the day that you met her. And this final act of treachery was simply the last straw. All your life you have given this woman your everything. And this is how she repays you. This two-faced Jezebel knew nothing but treachery. Even bullets were too good for her. That single shot to the back of her head was an act of mercy. No way could you be held accountable for that!

10. If your wife is killed in the terrorist attack then bury her carcass as quickly as possible. Try not to get too depressed because there is no point in crying over spilt milk.

Dig a hole just big enough to accommodate her remains, but make sure that you provide enough extra depth to ensure that her face doesn't miraculously reappear through the soil whenever it rains.

Make sure that the hole is well out of sight of the house. You don't want to keep thinking about her clanking bones every time you look out of the window - especially when the terrorist attack is over and you are looking forward to starting your life afresh with a much better-looking woman.

Before pushing her into the hole make sure that you salvage any jewelry that she is wearing because precious metals can sometimes outperform the market in times like these, and you won't exactly relish digging her up again should the price of gold hit a five year high.

Apart from parroting a few trite phrases of regret, there is no point in standing on any ceremony because she won't be able to hear you. (Though there is some debate about this.)

Cremation could be an even better idea. Apart from saving you the aggravation of having to excavate a huge amount of earth and ruining one of the flowerbeds, you can just cast her ashes into the wind or shovel them surreptitiously into the compost heap.

Abracadabra. Vooof! Completely gone!

As a further precaution against wife loss, it is worth beefing up your hidden cache of porn prior to any outbreak of hostilities. Check to see whether you have the latest releases. Are there any new angles that you have been obsessing about recently? Is it worth upgrading some of your old stock to get better picture quality?

Without someone to caress your fears and tensions away, a couple of suitcases packed with high-quality porn stashed underneath the floorboards could mean the difference between hours of despair and hours of hope.

Of course, no porn could replace the warm practiced hands of your recently-deceased wife, but it could give you the will to go on living until you can find another woman.

And always remember that every cloud has a silver lining.

POSSIBLE OUTCOMES

If you have survived the attack then thank your lucky stars that you read these guidelines. On the other hand, if it looks as though you are all doomed to die very shortly, you had best prepare the family to say their last goodbyes. And the first thing to do is to forget about all that sickly emotional stuff. Now is the time to give that no-good hustler some long overdue repayment for giving you such a hard time during all those long wasted years that you were forced to spend with her. Blame her for absolutely everything that happened. Explain to her in graphic detail why it was all her fault. Show her no mercy. And keep waving that gun between her eyes while you're talking so that she finally shuts up and understands the message. 

Tell her how you always wished that you had married someone else. Peggy Sue. Mary Lou. Violetta. Monalie.  Anybody at all, rather than her. Make her feel the pain that she deserves.

In other words, let yourself go. Open out.  Enjoy yourself as best as you can in the little time that you have left.

And when, finally, you begin to gasp frenetically for air as your life starts to slip away, prepare to let the phrase, 'I finally escaped that bitch,' cross your lips with your very last breath. This will make even the most agonising of deaths something to relish and something to look forward to.

Just pray that you never end up meeting each other again on the other side of life.

Because, if you do, you have well and truly had it!