Preparing for a Terrorist Attack
Angry Harry's Essential
Ten-Point Guide To Survival
1. Men are the
divinely-appointed heads of their families at all times. This is a scientific
But this is especially the case in times of war or if there is
any carnage on the horizon. You just cannot have women in charge at times like
these because they will endanger the lives of everybody by dithering about and
getting flustered every time that there is a bang or a squelching sound.
Women were sneakily designed for vicious verbal and emotional
conflicts, not for physical ones. Their vocal chords and facial muscles were
secretly evolved to deliver the same destructive force as modern-day machine
guns, but without the need for bullets.
The brains of women were cunningly but loosely configured by nature
to nag and to emote their enemies into surrender rather than to beat them into
it. They were wired innately with crafty stratagems that twist and turn and loop forever round in
circles with the specific purpose of never leading anywhere.
The devious idea behind
this is to cause numbing waves of maximum confusion and
despair to surge throughout the minds of their enemies, so making them wish that they had never
actually been born.
And this tactic works exceedingly well with their own kith and kin, because
they can usually corner them inside a room and then start pulverising their
brains relentlessly with frenzied histrionics, psychotic tantrums, unmitigated
verbal nonsense and non-stop talking. These and other fiendish weapons of mass
hysteria are the tools of women's combat.
But when it comes to death, pestilence and violence
emanating from sources other than your own loved ones, you need a man to figure out the best
are just no good at these things. In fact, they are appreciably worse than useless.
You see - unlike people - viruses,
chemicals, bullets and bombs just do not give a damn about the emotional venom
that women might decide to spit at them.
They do not care!
They are not listening!
And so women have no chance of antagonising
them to the point of self-destruction.
In other words, women have no wily weaponry with which to
defeat such things.
The role of women in war situations should
firmly confined to preparing food and mopping up any unwholesome spillages that
occur, such as blood and vomit, or those arising from
heinously unexpected attacks of incontinence.
Furthermore, the sad truth shows pretty definitively that women have no more ability to work things out
strategically than they have to work them out emotionally.
Always remember that.
And so if your wife insists on taking charge
during a terrorist attack, then get praying and prepare to die a
lot earlier than anyone else in the neighbourhood.
Or, better still, shoot her!
"Got a problem with me being the boss, eh?"
2. Buy plenty of water and food - especially
tinned food. Pack as much of your living space as possible with nutritious
But do not let anyone else know that you have begun hoarding, as this might start an unholy panic and then everybody will be doing it,
which could easily restrict your supplies or, worse, raise the prices.
And take particular care not to let your
neighbours or your best friends know that you have begun hoarding, because, when
they are finally starving, those shameless scroungers will undoubtedly end up
knocking frantically at your door
with their bottomless begging bowls.
Turn them away and close the door in their
What did they ever do for you, eh?
Remember: The secret to successful hoarding is
And so always keep your eyes open for passing
They have drawn faces, wide eyes and their mouths hang
open. They might be wandering the streets looking for any morsels and scraps that they
can lay their pitiful hands upon.
However, whatever you do,
do not boast openly to them that you
still have sufficient supplies in the bedroom to subsist most handsomely for at
least another decade. They might become insanely belligerent and collaborate
together to seek to
persuade you into parting with most of your food.
And so the
best thing to do in these circumstances is to look thin and exceedingly tired, and to fob
them off with a few well-rehearsed lies. For example, you can point weakly but
convincingly to the house
a few hundred yards down the road, and say that you heard a rumour that there was
some food over there.
goodness sake, do not buy any baked beans! This preposterous advice from the
muddle-headed nincompoops at the Home
Office will only lead to calamity.
Remember that you will need to seal your home from the outside world with duct tape and plastic bags.
This means that no air can get in. But, worse by far, this also means that no air can
actually get out! There is
therefore just no
way that any of you will survive for very long if baked beans figure in the daily diet.
viruses and the chemicals don't asphyxiate you, then the random outbursts of
unrestrained flatulence probably will.
It is therefore best to leave the baked
beans on the shop shelves for the mentally impaired and the lower classes and,
instead, to choose products considerably less likely to incite seriously bad
attitudes throughout the entire household.
But please do not use up all the duct tape to
cover up all the gaps in the windows and doors, because it has many other uses in desperate times like
Even bras can come in handy.
3. Do not forget to buy plenty of toilet paper and make
that the window in the bathroom functions satisfactorily. And if, for example, there is a warning
of a terrorist attack in your neighbourhood, do not allow all your family members to
stampede toward the bathroom en masse. The last thing you need at this point in
time is a riotous
domestic violence throughout the building that will take your attention away from
the people outside who are trying to kill you.
The best thing to do is to keep your family
members calm by issuing them with clear instructions and by conjuring up some
convincing notion that somehow you are now entitled by law to inflict severe penalties on those who fail to obey
The way to deal effectively with multiple
simultaneous digestive emergencies of the first degree is to order everyone who is hopping agitatedly from foot to foot
to calm down and to stop overstating their case. They should then be directed to
fetch pencil and paper
and to write down secretly a rating from 1 to 10 to indicate a) the quantity
expected and b) the urgency to expel it. The total number of points is then added
up and the queue is arranged according to the following principles.
Score 21+: Someone has definitely cheated - probably a
woman or a little girl. They must go to the back of the queue immediately. No
buts and pleases are acceptable. Those who cheat never prosper. To the back of
the queue they
must quickly go.
Score 19, 20: This is a person who exaggerates
- probably a woman or a little girl. The punishment for exaggerating is the same as for a cheat. But exaggerators do not beat cheats.
The cheats are the worst.
Score 16-18: This is urgent. Make way to let
this person pass to the bathroom immediately. Do not ask any questions or cause any further delay.
This is a Code Brown situation.
Score 11-15: Those who score in this region
need to be firmly positioned in the queue - in single file - with the higher scorers nearer
to the front. No talking or stomach-clutching is allowed, and nor is any
groaning or over-acting. In the
case of a tie, the males always have priority.
Score 0-10: The moaning minnies scoring in this region
will just have to wait. They should be dispatched to fetch
buckets, spades and gas masks in case there are any deeply unpleasant mishaps of the gustatory kind.
Eyes wide open. Sphincters tightly closed. This is the
to imprint upon the minds of all the household members.
4. If there are fatal viruses or chemicals in
the air then try to breathe slowly. The slower the better. And, whatever you do, do not
inhale too deeply. Filling your lungs to maximum capacity is not a good idea when there are
poisons in the air.
Short shallow breaths taken every half minute or so are definitely the best.
And you can also save priceless air by breathing into each other's mouths. As one
person inhales the precious air, the other exhales it - a bit like a see-saw - and this can help to
recycle the air many times before it is used up. But if this life-saving ploy seems likely to
create future emotional problems then abandon it forthwith; because it is far
better to die quickly at peace with each other than to die slowly on unfriendly
and ever-worsening terms in an increasingly hostile atmosphere.
5. If you find yourself fatally running out of essential supplies like food
and water or air, then check out the neighbours and see if they are still
alive, and, if so, how energetic they appear to be. With any luck they will already be
dead or unconscious, which means that you should be able to
get your hands on
some of their provisions without too much difficulty - perhaps even a little
furniture for when the attack is over.
if you have recently heard them coughing, spluttering or choking for any length
of time, then this is
an excellent sign indeed.
On the other hand, if they
still appear to be alive and kicking, then bear in mind that only the fittest will survive.
So, try to take them out at night time when they are at their weakest and when no-one else will see you.
Watch over your wives and your daughters very carefully indeed. Put a
padlock on their knickers and keep them well in
sight at all times for protection. And don't let them talk to any strangers on
their own. At times like these, no-one can be trusted. And those ungrateful hussies would sell your very soul for an ounce of cheese.
those devious harlots like a hawk. Check them out wherever they go. Ask them plenty of questions
and see if you can trick them.
also remember that there could be rapists and pillagers
roaming the streets. Whatever you do, do not let them get their hands on your
wives or your daughters unless they seem to have some suitable replacements on offer.
In fact, do not even let them fondle the goods until you are about halfway
through any deal.
Should you find yourself involved in any haggling, emphasise that,
contrary to appearances, your livestock has an excellent pedigree that goes back
for fifteen generations, and so you can personally vouch for its very high quality.
other words, lie through your teeth!
is also an international convention that you should know about when it comes to
bargaining away your womenfolk successfully. Unsurprisingly, not all women are worth the same amount when it
comes to trading them in.
In fact, some
of them will most likely be worth absolutely nothing at
For example, your grandma
who sleeps all day will not have the
same value as that frisky young floozy of yours whose idea of aerobics is
to gyrate energetically around the garden every morning wearing little more than
a moist red thong.
if your grandma snores a lot or is unable to walk then she will actually be worth less
than nothing because of all the aggravation and the upkeep.
a goddamn cent will you get for her!
advice would be to tie a tag with a false address around her neck, wrap her up
tightly in an old blanket, and then toss her onto the garbage heap at the bottom of
the road so that fate can take its natural course.
you decide to do, however, you
need to calculate the value of your little herd very carefully indeed if you are
not to be cheated out of a good bargain.
As a rough guide, anything under 25 that doesn't look like
a horse has got to be worth something. But anything over 40 is considered to
be 'old meat', i.e. there is a lot of it available for free, but nobody
to eat it.
For women in between those ages, well, it all depends really. You
have to look very closely at the features that really count in times of shortage
perky breasts, firm butt, shapely legs, strong teeth, healthy gums, OK face,
some hair etc. Can she walk? Can she talk? Can she cook?
You just can't afford to make any hard assumptions about these
bitches when it comes to successful trading practices.
If there is a nuclear attack some TV stations might not be able to provide
their normal schedules. To counter the loss of entertainment, it is a good idea to hire
in advance a positively huge quantity of
lengthy videos so that you can at least enjoy yourself during the holocaust.
This will also help to keep you looking on the bright side of life and stop you from becoming
too downhearted over the truly horrifying, utterly sickening and horrendously
painful death that you will most likely experience within the next few days.
But it is probably best not to
tempt fate too cavalierly by hiring classic movie titles like "Gone with the Wind," or "Some Like
Children will also need to be kept occupied.
And if there is nothing on the TV screen for days on end, they
could experience severe cold turkey symptoms - sweat, nausea, shivering,
delusions etc. You should use this opportunity to whack their behinds
unrestrainedly for all the things that they have done wrong that you never got
to hear about, but which you damn well know that they must have done because it
is genetically wired into them. And then, when their minds
are clear again, you can deny everything.
8. Keep your eye on all the food supplies, preferably with a lock and chain. And
don't let yourself be pestered into handing out any food on the basis of silly wants. Wants
do not count when it comes to severe shortages in times of war. Projected future
insect infestation and fungus density are the only things that matter.
family member should also be given a ration booklet wherein everything that they
consume is catalogued and countersigned by you. And if anyone is caught stealing
your food - or is even suspected of doing so - then some form of amputation should be
threatened to indicate the seriousness of the crime.
few gruesome photographs of bloodied amputees distributed liberally throughout the household
can also act as a useful reminder of what can happen to those who steal a man's food.
If there is a gun in the house be sure to keep it about your person at all
times. You never know when this might come in handy. For example, there might be
a traitor among you. And if you discover that there really is a traitor among
you, then, as
assuredly as the Sun rises in the East, it will be that conniving little
strumpet you foolishly made your wife.
Don't hesitate to shoot her if necessary
- for the sake of the children.
That scheming trollop has been selling you down
the river from the day that you met her. And this final act of treachery was
simply the last straw. All your life you have given this woman your everything.
And this is how she repays you. This two-faced Jezebel knew nothing but treachery. Even
bullets were too good for her. That single shot to the back of her head was an
act of mercy. No way could you be held accountable for that!
If your wife is killed in the terrorist attack then bury her carcass as
quickly as possible. Try not to get too depressed because there is no point in
crying over spilt milk.
Dig a hole
enough to accommodate her remains, but make sure that you provide enough extra depth to ensure that
doesn't miraculously reappear through the soil whenever it rains.
Make sure that the hole is well out
of sight of the house. You don't want to keep thinking about her clanking bones
every time you look out of the window - especially when the terrorist attack is over and you are looking forward to starting your
life afresh with a much better-looking woman.
Before pushing her into the hole make sure that you salvage any
jewelry that she is wearing because precious
metals can sometimes outperform the market in times like these, and you won't
exactly relish digging her up again should the price of gold hit a five year high.
from parroting a few trite phrases of regret, there
is no point in standing on any ceremony because she won't be able to hear you. (Though
there is some debate about this.)
could be an even better idea. Apart from saving you the aggravation of having to
excavate a huge amount of earth and ruining one of the flowerbeds, you can
just cast her ashes into the wind or shovel them surreptitiously into the compost heap.
Vooof! Completely gone!
As a further
precaution against wife loss, it is worth beefing
up your hidden cache of porn prior to any outbreak of hostilities. Check to see whether you have
releases. Are there any new angles that you have been obsessing about recently? Is it
worth upgrading some of your old stock to get better picture quality?
Without someone to caress your fears and tensions away, a couple of suitcases packed
with high-quality porn stashed underneath the floorboards could mean the
difference between hours of despair
and hours of hope.
Of course, no porn could
replace the warm practiced hands of your recently-deceased wife, but it could give you the will to go on
living until you can find another woman.
always remember that every cloud has a silver lining.
If you have survived the attack then thank your lucky stars that you read these
guidelines. On the other hand, if it looks as though you are all doomed to die
very shortly, you had best prepare
the family to say their last goodbyes. And the first thing to do is to forget
about all that sickly emotional stuff.
Now is the time to give that no-good
tramp some long overdue repayment for giving you such a hard time
during all those long wasted years that you were forced to spend with her.
Blame her for
absolutely everything that happened. Explain to her in graphic detail why it was all her fault.
Show her no mercy. And keep
that gun between her eyes while you're talking so that she finally shuts up and understands the message.
Tell her how you always wished that you had married someone else. Peggy Sue. Mary
Lou. Violetta. Monalie. Anybody at all,
rather than her. Make her feel the pain that she deserves.
In other words, let yourself go. Open out. Enjoy yourself as best as you can in the little time that
you have left.
And when, finally, you begin to gasp frenetically for air
as your life starts to slip away,
prepare to let the phrase, 'I finally escaped that bitch,' cross
your lips with your very last breath. This will make even the most
agonising of deaths something to relish and something to look forward to.
Just pray that you never end up meeting each
other again on the other side of life.
if you do, you have well and truly had it!