Harry

Especially For Young Women

 
   

25/2/02

Curling

And, talking of the Olympics: Do you know that the BBC delayed last Thursday's Question Time by a WHOLE HOUR, relegating it to beyond midnight so that it could broadcast instead the performance of the WOMEN'S curling team to the nation?

Unbelievable.

The Women's Curling team for goodness sake!

Since when has the whole country been interested in women's curling?

Indeed, has anybody ever even heard of it?

My first thought concerning the BBC's announcement that it was actually "going 'live' to the Women's Curling Team" was that it must be something to do with hairdressing - and that this, in fact, might actually turn out to be mildly interesting; perhaps even for a whole minute or two.

How wrong I was.

Not even for a minute!

And a whole hour of the thing was utterly unbearable.

How I survived, I shall never know. 

But something had transfixed me.

I sat there for a whole hour - the longest whole hour of my entire life - just sitting there with my mouth hanging open and gawping at the screen like a retard.

"What the Hell is this?" I kept asking myself.

"Why is anybody watching it?"

"Why am I watching it?"

"Maybe I'm the only one."

"I must be mentally ill."

"What the Hell is it?"

In the end, I figured it out.

One woman with big thighs pushes this old-fashioned hot water bottle out across the ice, and her slaves with long arms have to sweep the ice with a broom while being shouted at; the object being to smash the opponent's hot water bottle into the back of the net.

But it was all very slow and, quite frankly, I won't be watching it again.

Life is too short.

And, for goodness sake, why is there a WOMEN'S curling team anyway?

It turns out hardly to be an energetic sport requiring loads of muscle.

So the men don't really have any advantage.

So, why can't there be just one national curling team at the Olympics? 

Why separate the men from the women? 

Why not choose the very best curlers, regardless of gender, to make up just one team, and so halve the monotony for everyone?

Well, I'll tell you why. It's because no woman would ever get on such a team on the basis of merit. 

And rather than face the customary hormonal wrath of spiteful feminists complaining hostilely that there was some kind of heinous gender bias in the members of the Curling Team Selection Committee - if, in fact, there is such a thing - as typically occurs on a daily basis in the area of employment and, in fact, in just about everything wherein women fail to reach the high standards commonly achieved by men - which is, in fact, in just about everything -  someone decided that the best way out of this potential menstrual miasma was to hide the general inferiority of women when it comes to curling by having two separate teams.

This way, a woman was bound to win something!

Clever eh?

No matter how utterly hopeless is every woman curler on the planet, a gold medal is assured.

Anyway. 

I hear that the British women's team actually won the gold medal. 

Good for them! 

They beat the Canadian women absolutely brooms down, apparently.

British women can obviously handle their brooms and sweep that icy floor a lot better than can those in Canada, which is a country positively gripped in the dark ideology feminism; and where, therefore, the art of sweeping is dying out much faster than it is here in Britain.

But curling, honestly. Why don't we just get our priorities right when it comes to women's sports? 

We should hold an Olympic Marathon Housework Event instead.

It could even be split like the decathlon into separate sub-events such as Dusting, Vacuuming, Washing-Up-Dishes, Window Cleaning and Cooking.

The women's performances could then be awarded marks by a team of expert male judges who adjudicated on the basis of speed, efficiency and quality of outcome - with bonus points being added or subtracted depending on whether or not the contenders had a pleasing overall countenance, and on the shapeliness of their legs.

And there could even be special events held exclusively for single mothers who could compete hotly with each other in those centuries-old traditional sports of changing soiled nappies, breast-feeding, burping and winding; with perhaps modern aspects to motherhood - such as speedily cashing in the welfare cheque - adding some further excitement for contemporary audiences. 

Surely such skills are a lot more worthwhile developing in our womenfolk than having them waste their time in shoving huge metal cylinders pointlessly around on the frozen ice while furiously sweeping an area that hardly needs to be swept in the first place? 

After all, what exactly is the point of our womenfolk learning to curl? 

Whom on Earth does it benefit?

Not me. 

That's for sure!

 



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