And, talking of the Olympics: Do you know that the BBC delayed last
Thursday's Question Time by a WHOLE HOUR, relegating it to beyond midnight so that
it could broadcast instead the performance of the
WOMEN'S curling team to the nation?
The Women's Curling team for goodness sake!
Since when has the whole country been interested in women's curling?
Indeed, has anybody ever even
heard of it?
My first thought concerning the BBC's announcement
that it was actually "going 'live' to the Women's Curling Team"
was that it must be something to do with hairdressing - and that this, in fact,
might actually turn out to be mildly interesting; perhaps even for a whole minute or two.
How wrong I was.
Not even for a minute!
And a whole hour of the thing was utterly
How I survived, I shall never know.
But something had transfixed me.
I sat there for a whole hour - the longest whole hour of my entire
life - just sitting there with my mouth hanging open and gawping at the
screen like a retard.
"What the Hell is this?" I kept asking myself.
"Why is anybody watching it?"
"Why am I watching it?"
"Maybe I'm the only one."
"I must be mentally ill."
"What the Hell is it?"
In the end, I figured it out.
One woman with big thighs pushes this old-fashioned hot water bottle
out across the ice, and her slaves with long arms have to sweep the ice
with a broom while being shouted at; the object being to smash the
opponent's hot water bottle into the back of the net.
But it was all very slow and, quite frankly, I won't be watching it
Life is too short.
And, for goodness sake, why is there a WOMEN'S curling team anyway?
It turns out hardly to be an energetic
sport requiring loads of muscle.
So the men don't really have any advantage.
So, why can't there be just one national curling
team at the Olympics?
Why separate the men from the women?
Why not choose the
very best curlers, regardless of gender, to make up just one team, and so halve
the monotony for everyone?
Well, I'll tell you why. It's because no
woman would ever get on such a team on the basis of merit.
And rather than face
the customary hormonal wrath of spiteful feminists complaining hostilely that there was
some kind of heinous gender
bias in the members of the Curling Team Selection Committee - if, in fact, there
is such a thing - as typically occurs on a daily basis in the area of employment
and, in fact, in just about everything wherein women fail to reach the high
standards commonly achieved by men - which is, in fact, in just about everything
- someone decided that the best way out of this potential menstrual miasma
was to hide the general inferiority of women when it comes to curling by having
two separate teams.
This way, a woman was bound to win something!
No matter how utterly hopeless is every woman curler on the planet, a gold
medal is assured.
I hear that the British women's team
actually won the gold medal.
Good for them!
They beat the Canadian women absolutely brooms down, apparently.
British women can obviously handle their brooms and sweep
that icy floor a lot
better than can those in Canada, which is a country positively gripped in the dark
ideology feminism; and
where, therefore, the art of sweeping is dying out much faster than it is here
But curling, honestly. Why don't we just get
our priorities right when it comes to
We should hold an Olympic Marathon Housework Event instead.
It could even be split like the decathlon into
separate sub-events such as Dusting, Vacuuming, Washing-Up-Dishes, Window
Cleaning and Cooking.
The women's performances could then be awarded marks by a
team of expert male judges who adjudicated on the basis of speed, efficiency and
quality of outcome - with bonus points being added or subtracted depending on
whether or not the contenders had a pleasing overall countenance, and on the
And there could even be special events held
exclusively for single mothers who could compete hotly with each other in those
centuries-old traditional sports of
changing soiled nappies, breast-feeding, burping and winding; with perhaps
modern aspects to motherhood - such as speedily cashing in the welfare cheque -
adding some further excitement for contemporary audiences.
Surely such skills are a lot more worthwhile
developing in our womenfolk than having them waste their time in shoving huge metal cylinders pointlessly around on the frozen ice
while furiously sweeping an area that hardly needs to be swept in the first
After all, what exactly is the point of our womenfolk learning
Whom on Earth does it benefit?
That's for sure!