Introduction to ‘Violence by Proxy’.
(Note: I have lost the name of the author of this piece.)
To understand womans violence, I believe one
has to understand the principles, the stepstones, in a typical feminine building
process, of a violent context, and what they stand to possibly gain. I’m
going to try and clarify what I mean by "the violent context", with a
long explanation of my mothers longterm manipulation, as a counterwight to
"quick" male violence, by using my own reality as a witness, to my mom’s
use of violence, as a pretext to launch a regular campaign of Parental
Alienation Syndrome (hereafter PAS) against my father, and myself for that
matter. To those of you, for whom PAS is unknown, here is an overview. To make a
long story short, PAS is a term for brainwashing children into hating a parent.:
I chose to name the concept “violence by
proxy”, because it consisted of both the use of violence, police - and at
times - social workers, against my father. I’ve not only seen her “doing”
from the inside, over a long period of time, I’ve also witnessed other
episodes like this, ignite in my childhood friends families, in mostly the same
way, and under largely similar circumstances. Maybe this is a good time to let
you know, that I’m from Denmark, just to get the cultural perspective right.
Anyway; troubled kids tend to play with other troubled kids. I therefore believe
I know a little bit about those troubles.
“Laying the Foundation”
My mom had a great desire to be in the center
of things. You could say, she had a great desire to be both fully accepted, and
entertained by a man, but had a kind of sick way to deal with it. She seeked
conflict, if she couldn’t get my dad’s attention in any other normal
fashion. Which he tend to get a bit tired of at times. On top of that, she
couldn’t communicate her needs, because she perceived the expression of needs,
as a weakness. But when all her unsatisfied “attention-needs”, turned
themselves into a pile of bitching, you wouldn’t want to be around. Because
the final result was always the same, but I’ll get to that a little bit later.
My dad had a rather stupid way of dealing with
it. He either simply ignored the tension in the air, or simply did not realize
which way the wind blew in time. Anyway; those attempts to ‘ventilate’ her
FAILED. As they are in general guarantied to fail…still.
The ‘silence-trick’. It expresses a subtle
loss of love, which woman, in general, will not let go by unnoticed. When he
pulled that kind of trick, she went crazy. She played the ball back, by not
talking to him for a while. Playing insulted, thereby laying a curtain of
tension over the entire family. This is why I named this part of her concept “Laying
Then, as time passed by, little by little, she
began bitching about something – usually something about cleaning, which was
either not clean enough, or needed cleaning, eh? Later it turned into long
series of swearing about what a pig he was, and how lazy the man was. But the
more she build up the tension, while he tried to ‘ignore it’ away, the more
she projected unfairness, both in her own, and our eyes. This, of course, made
her even angrier. One tends to get angry, when perceived as unreasonable, but
our home was also staggeringly clean at all times! Why? She tried to sort out
internal chaos, by cleaning up outer space.
“The crucial Switch from aggressor to victim”
So, in order to switch the role as”monster”
around, she could throw an ashtray in his head. Or smash a table lighter in his
face. Or how about getting your ass kicked with a chair in your sleep!?
Then what happened? Well…she got the beating
back. Of course! And then the situation suddenly became my problem too, because
when he ‘triggered’ after a while of harassment, he usually gave her all of
his build-up-tension back, wrapped in some bitchslapping, and I therefore had to
intervene at some point in time. Parents don’t rise out of control quite the
same way, when their children are running around screaming.
But because he reacted on the harassment, the
way he did, he stood to blame for the bruises, and she became victim. And it was
simply inevitable. Because she would have kept on coming, until he took part in
her anger, by making him defend himself, towards her own. I believe that’s how
situations like these usually evolve to begin with.
“First strike - Pulling Police”
Then what? Then the police usually were called
upon. Because she could just not see, that her attitude HAD to be responded
violently. Her anger was imposed on him that way! Nevertheless the police never
saw anything else, but an innocent, crying woman, when they arrived. Because the
police never witnessed the context, in which everything took place. I can also
describe a potato for you, but not the taste. Besides - my mom had a talent for
playing “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde”, when her saviors came to her rescue, and
husbands just can’t compete with that. But I KNOW…I KNOW she went from the
provocative, abusing being, the one moment - into the role of “attention-and-caring-needing”
the next moment, because children easily recognize childish reactions in the
adult, and so did I. Secondarily, there is the aftermath of “attention on the
victim” awaiting her right?
So my dad became the bad guy, because he was a
fool, who let himself fall into a trap of her bullsh**, and had to leave the
house one way or another. And this would repeat itself many times, because she
always wanted him back at some point in time, and he CAME back, before he left
for good, around my seventh year of age. I guess he finally got smart, too late.
But in between, an aftermath awaited. She
periodically lost both her sense of responsibility, and got emotionally even
more unstable. She could easily stay away from home for several days, if she met
another man in town, which she often did. When she finally got home, I also had
to deal with her guilty feelings from BEING away from home, for such long
periods of time. It was a mess. Especially coming home from school, became more
or less a trial, because she was only seldom the same person when I came home,
as the one I left in the morning. This may seem like a minor detail to others,
but I felt somehow responsible for her moody nature. I leaned to pay attention
to them. I guarantee you all, that being around her emotional peaks for 18
years, makes you pretty aware of other peoples feelings and state of mind. My
life got pretty centered about my ability to adapt to her emotions, and comfort
her, to prevent an otherwise hysterical outbreak. It's like crossing the depths
of chaos, walking on a thin line of psychological adaptation. To always foresee
her change of mood, and at the same time, trying to stay in touch with my own
‘self’, was not all that easy.
“Second strike - PAS”
Because of both my psychological adaptations
to her, and the fact that we were now alone, and the fact that I still depended
upon her, in time made me sympathy-hate my father, WITH my mother. Not because I
really believed it myself, but because it paid off, sort of speak. I believe I
was afraid of loosing her, if I didn’t sympathize with her. In this very
sophisticated way, I sort of programmed myself to hate him, and to say it out
loud, because my mom always rewarded me with compliments for being so “clear-sighted”,
and “clever” etc. when I did that, and simply ignored me, or looked angry
down on me, if I expressed any signs of morning over my loss of him. So
obviously, I told the stories which”worked”. That paid of some attention, or
just to get some confirmation of her love. Year, I lied. What else was I
supposed to do?
Both the tone in her voice, and her gestures
when bitching about him, spoke in each case, their own, clear language. And
because of this reward/punish-technique, and my ability to tune in on her
feelings, I quickly became her new “man in the house” and her Shrink, or her
‘shoulder-to-cry-out-by’ if you will. At times, I’ve felt more like her
boyfriend, mentally, than her son. She was always so proud of her ability to
talk with her son about everything. She said: “We don’t hold anything back.
Right. It SHOULD have said: “I don’t hold anything back”. But what is
worse? To be ignored by your own mother, or to get attention, as her therapist?
I must have felt the first worse, ‘cause I chose second.
This new mother-&-son relationship became
especially annoying, when she seeked comfort by her allies, her woman-friends,
who obviously sympathize-ranted about their own lost husbands, who also
smartened up, to late. On top of that, put the sympathy from different social
workers, who projected some degree of authority, working there in a big office,
and carrying a “professional” name tag, and being able to extract whatever
explanation from my mind, that my mom had pre-installed, and encouraged as
correct explanations beforehand, because I simply just told the usual “working
But one thing they were never able to hear,
because I wasn’t able to speak of it, was my moms manipulative nature. In
other words; the whole truth. For example, every child is able to tell whether
daddy hit mom, or not, but never able to tell very much about WHY. When I ask
the question “Why”, I’m looking for a description, of the context of
feelings in which everything happened, which no average child is able to grasp
within their vocabulary. Nor am I – as a grown man. Therefore every
preinstalled explanation I told, could indeed deliver the wrong result, in
relation to my own wishes, without even knowing it myself. What I WANTED, was my
dad back, because he could stabilize the entire familiy, but I told otherwise in
order to satisfy my mothers needs. You see?
“Third strike – turning reality on its
Then imagine this; imagine how twisted reality
becomes, when you can clearly see, who is the troublemaker in the house, but on
the other hand, also too dependant on the troublemaker, to speak of the truth.
In comparison, it must be very frustrating to be dumb, witnessing a pyromaniac
setting a house on fire, which flees afterwards, and later watch the same person
return as a fireman-hero, without being able to yell the truth out loud. It
triggers a phenomenon known as “cognitive dissonance”, which will happen,
when you are presented with to opposite impressions, which can not co-exist in
your awareness. Like both laughing and crying, about something both tragic and
hilarious, at the same time.
But however odd it may seem, I never truly
realized how manipulating she had been, until the beginning of my twenties.
Until then, I firmly believed my mom was a misunderstood angel, who deserved the
“medal of honor”. I had simply been subjected to so many endless stories
about my dad’s failures, that I couldn’t see pass it all, until some time
after I moved away from home. Because the end result was always something about
him, being removed by the mother-fuc*** police, how could then feel so wrong,
when it was supposed to BE right?
Because false realities are created by the
supreme set of injustice, and lies, and tyranny of silence - against better
knowing - that continues on and on, not ever spoken of in plain words, and
therefore get hidden from public reality, to the point, where this false
construction of reality, can even fool your senses, and make yourself regard
them, as the result of insanity, or simply archived as “political incorrect
My mom operated like most newsmedia, on a
smaller scale, but with the same internal mechanics – with lies, and ‘staged
feelings’! When I finally woke up from the rush of ’LIE’ around my
twentieth year of age, I felt like I’ve just been told that the world is
round, being the only one, who always thought it was flat.
A lot of woman plays with a matrix of
feelings, in effect heavy manipulation, which can be very hard to capture in
words. But as long, as they stand unanswered, and not captured in words, they
will keep working for them.