Typewriters Oppressed Women
Teddy Bear Teacher Returns To UK A British teacher jailed in Sudan for letting her class name a teddy bear Muhammad has spoken of her "ordeal", after returning to the
Hurrah! Hurrah! Thanks to all the publicity
and the vigorous interventions of our politicians and many leaders of the Muslim
community, our teddy bear teacher is now back home.
Plight Of Five Kidnapped Men To Be Covered Up
The UK government has condemned a videotape issued by the kidnappers of five British men held captive in
The five men were seized on 29 May from Baghdad's finance ministry building by gunmen disguised as police officers.
you have never even heard of
these men, right?
They have been held captive for more than six
months but, of course, you have never even heard of these men, right?
No vigorous interventions of our politicians
and many leaders of the Muslim community there, eh?
The Foreign Office spokesman said: "No matter what the cause, hostage-taking can never be justified."
Then, presumably, and for example, the prison at Guantanamo Bay can never be
What a load of hooey.
Of course hostage taking is justified.
The Americans have justified it for years!
When you are at war, taking hostages is part
of the deal. It always has been.
I am going to
take Germaine Greer as a hostage
In fact, I am going to take Germaine Greer as
a hostage when I finally flip my lid and decide that I can take it no longer.
And then I am going to point this huge pistol at her ever-expanding backside and
make her dance naked around the kitchen singing,
Angry Harry is so
Angry Harry is so right,
Angry Harry is my master,
my lovely shining light.
And then it will be days and days of cooking
and housework for her!
I'm waiting for you."
And, in fact, I got very close indeed to planning her
kidnap last night.
I had recorded what turned out to be a great
documentary on the Hubble Telescope, and I had settled down on the sofa most
happily with a nice cup of tea and a whole bar of chocolate in order to be comfortable while I luxuriated in all those amazing
images of space.
Unfortunately, however, this Hubble programme
was on the BBC, and my video recorder had picked up the last two minutes of the
And what did I see? - a woman talking about
typewriters - you know, those olden things with keyboards that had real life
bits of metal that struck a carbon ribbon on to paper to make imprints of
Oh look. Here's one!
And guess what this woman was telling us
Hold your breath and take your heart pills,
because you are not going to believe it .....
Typewriters were used to oppress women.
Yep: Typewriters were invented to oppress
I nearly died.
I kid you not.
And, apparently, because of typewriters,
women all over the world wherein typewriters were deployed suddenly found
themselves even more oppressed than they were before - if such a thing is
You see, these poor women - millions of them
- were hauled out of their homes - by force I presume - to work in offices up
and down the country, so that they could earn a buck or two.
And this was oppression of the most heinous
You see; before the invention of typewriters,
women could stay at home and say, "Oh dear, life is much too tough out
there. Only a man can do those jobs." But when typewriters came along,
women discovered to their horror that there was some real work that they could
actually do, and so they no longer had an excuse to sit at home chatting all
In other words, they were psychologically
oppressed out into the workplace.
I suspect that next week there will be a BBC
programme on how vacuum cleaners oppressed women, because the arrival of vacuum
cleaners meant that women felt obliged to vacuum their carpets.
And the week after that we will probably hear
how public transport ruined women's lives by making the workplace more
And by the end of the series I expect that we
will discover that all of the advances in medicine were also designed to oppress
women because by living longer and healthier lives women would end up doing more
"This is outrageous," they will
soon be complaining. "No longer can we die of cancer, consumption or
reproductive complications. We have to go out to work! I am a victim. I am a
victim. Oh cruel world. Oh vile men."
Anyway. The evening's viewing was not
The Hubble programme was fantastic, and then
I watched a horror film called The Descent, and was positively delighted to see six
feisty feminist-type womenfolk being bitten horribly to death and
partially devoured by a hidden tribe of gruesome flesh-eating zombies who dwelt
in dark caves.
It was sheer bliss!
I mean; just look at that feminist's
Does it not fill your heart with sheer
joy to see that pain?
Of course it does.
In fact, I must watch the gory bits
again the next time that I'm feeling depressed.
In slow motion.
It'll cheer me up enormously.