Note from Angry Harry ...
While reading George's diary, please keep in mind that he is - without
a doubt - a very depressed and socially-isolated man. As such, his remarks
about other persons cannot be taken at face value. They will be very much
coloured by his general antipathy towards life and towards people.
I have replaced the names of people with xxxx.
MRAs should also take note of the fact that there are probably many
millions of men across the western world who feel similar in many ways,
and one can expect to see much more destruction emanating from them in the
future; e.g. see my short piece entitled
Eight Horrible Facts.
the western world must wake up to the fact that it
cannot continue to treat men so appallingly and get away with it.
Finally, one of the main reasons that I decided to post this diary on
this website was because the western world must wake up to the fact that
it cannot continue to treat men so appallingly and get away with it.
And so I want to leave you with a quote from the film Terminator 2 -
made in 1991.
This quote is just one out of the millions of examples that I am sure
that one could find throughout the mainstream media that, quite
surreptitiously, seeks to demonise men; in this case, in a film for
children and young adults.
It is typical of the feminist-dominated Hollywood.
The Terminator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) has just rescued a boy and his
mother from the evil humanoid robot that is trying to kill them.
They have escaped out of the city.
The Terminator is playing with the young boy as his mother looks on
from a distance.
Her thoughts are narrated as follows ...
"Watching John [her boy] with the machine [the Terminator] it was
suddenly so clear that the Terminator would never stop. It would never
leave him. And it would never hurt him. Never shout at him. Or get drunk
and hit him. Or say that it was too busy to spend time with him. It would
always be there. And it would die to protect him.
"Of all the would-be fathers who came and went over the years, this
thing, this machine, was the only one who measured up."
Well, this is the hateful message about men and fathers that has been
pouring out of the mainstream - and Hollywood -
almost non-stop for the past three decades
Men are both horrible and hopeless.
Men are both horrible and hopeless.
A robot can do much better.
Is it really surprising, therefore, that George Sodini grew up to become what
he became, and ended up doing
what he did?
And yet, throughout the mainstream, he is currently being characterised
as a misogynist, a racist, a right-wing nutter and/or a psychopath.
Well, look for yourself, because he appears to be none of these things.
In my view, there is only one word needed to describe him.
He no longer cares about anything, nor about anyone - including
Anyway. Here is his diary ...
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania USA
Why do this?? To young girls? Just read below. I kept a running log
that includes my thoughts and actions, after I saw this project was going
to drag on.
November 5, 2008:
Planned to do this in the summer but figure to
stick around to see the election outcome. This particular one got so much
attention and I was just curious. Not like I give a flying fcuk who won,
since this exit plan was already planned. Good luck to Obama! He will be
successful. The liberal media LOVES him. Amerika has chosen The Black Man.
Good! In light of this I got ideas outside of Obama's plans for the
economy and such. Here it is: Every black man should get a young white
girl hoe to hone up on. Kinda a reverse indentured servitude thing. Long
ago, many a older white male landowner had a young Negro wench girl for
his desires. Bout' time tables are turned on that shit. Besides, dem young
white hoez dig da bruthrs! LOL. More so than they dig the white dudes!
Every daddy know when he sends his little girl to college, she be bangin a
bruthr real good. I saw it. "Not my little girl", daddy says! (Yeah
right!!) Black dudes have thier choice of best white hoez. You do the
math, there are enough young white so all the brothers can each have one
for 3 or 6 months or so.
December 22, 2008:
Time is moving along. Planned to have this done
already. I will just keep a running log here as time passes. Many of the
young girls here look so beautiful as to not be human, very edible. After
joining this gym, started lifting weights and like it. Much info about
weight programs, diet etc on the web. Or anything for that matter. Instead
of TV I can Google for hours to relax. TV and most movies are dull.
December 24, 2008:
Moving into Christmas again. No girlfriend since
1984, last Christmas with Pam was in 1983. Who knows why. I am not ugly or
too weird. No sex since July 1990 either (I was 29). No shit! Over
eighteen years ago. And did it maybe only 50-75 times in my life. Getting
to think that a woman now would just, uh, get in the way of things.
Isolated. I have extra money and enjoy traveling, too, wtih my 25-30 days
of vacation. LA was the best! But going alone is not too fun. Invited to a
party on Christmas day tomorrow. Seems about 15-25 people will actually
show. I like her parties; I can meet new people and talk. Got the next 8
days off. I should have exit plan done and practiced by then. I know
nothing will change, no matter how hard I try or what goals I set.
December 28, 2008:
Glad I stayed around. All these days off are
great. I will shoot for Tuesday, January 6, 2009, at maybe 8:15. I have
list of to-do items to make.
December 29, 2008:
Just got back from tanning, been doing this for a
while. No gym today, my elbow is sore again. I actually look good. I dress
good, am clean-shaven, bathe, touch of cologne - yet 30 million women
rejected me - over an 18 or 25-year period. That is how I see it. Thirty
million is my rough guesstimate of how many desirable single women there
are. A man needs a woman for confidence. He gets a boost on the job,
career, with other men, and everywhere else when he knows inside he has
someone to spend the night with and who is also a friend. This type of
life I see is a closed world with me specifically and totally excluded.
Every other guy does this successfully to a degree. Flying solo for many
years is a destroyer. Yet many people say I am easy to get along with,
etc. Looking back, I owe nothing to desirable females who ask for
anything, except for basic courtesy - usually. Looking back over
everything, what bothers me most is the inability to work towards whatever
change I choose.
December 30, 2008:
While driving I radio surfed to a talk show. The
caller was a 30ish black man who was describing the despair in certain
black communities. According to him, life is cheap there because you are
going to die anyway when you get old. It is the quality of life that is
important, he said. If you know the past 40 years were crappy, why live
another 30 crappy years then die? His point was they engage in dangerous
behavior which tends to shorten the lifespans, to die now and avoid the
next 30 crappy years, using my example. The host got sarcastic and ended
the call instead of trying understanding his point. Agreement wasn't
necesary. I put music back on. But it was an interesting, and useful point
for me to hear.
December 31, 2008:
My anger and rage is largely gone since I began
lifting weights. Lifting drains me but I still have energy. Somebody else
suggested running but that did not help me. I guess strenuous exercise is
necesary for a man. So I just learned that now at 48. Maybe 30 years later
than I would have liked. My dad never (not once) talked to me or asked
about my life's details and tell me what he knew. He was just a useless
sperm doner. Don't know why, find it fun talking to young kids when I
visit someone. Brother was actually counter-productive and would try to
embarase me or discourage my efferts when persuing things, esp girls early
on (teen years). Useless bully. Result is I am learning basics by trial
and error in my 40s, followed by discuragement. Seems odd, but thats true.
Writing all this is helping me justify my plan and to see the futility of
continuing. Too embarassed to tell anyone this, at almost 50 one is
expected to just know these things.
I hope it doesn't snow on Tuesday.
Just thought of that. The crowd will be thin so I would postpone. Shit!
Now that I am on the topic of family and people I know, I might as well
make a summary of sorts to show where things stand. This is New Years Eve
I have time, no date tonight of course, so:
Tetelestai Church in Pittsburgh, PA - "Be Ye Holy, even as I have been
Ye holy! Thus saith the lord thy God!", as pastor Rick Knapp would
proclaim. Holy shit, religion is a waste. But this guy teaches (and
convinced me) you can commit mass murder then still go to heaven. Ask him.
Call him at  If no answer there, he should still live at . In any
case, guilt and fear kept me there 13 long years until Nov 2006. I think
his crap did the most damage. Their web site: http://www.tetelestai.org.
Mum - The Central Boss. . Don't piss her off or she will be mad and
vindictive for years. She actually thinks she's normal. Very dominant. Her
way and only her way with no flexibility toward everyone in the household.
A power and control thing. People outside the immediate family like her.
Why are people vicious with their closest ones? She is the Boss above all
Mxxxx Sxxxx - A Boss, my brother (Mxxxx Sxxxxi)  - Always the big
bully, twice the size of most others. When he bullied or harassed someone,
it was the other person who "deserved it". It was always about him. Way to
self absorbed, too. Still is. Used to like to embarrass guys in front of
their girlfriends. Lots of other shit. Kind of guy you actually loved to
hate. The biggest, most self-centered jagoff I know. He took those
bullying "skills" into the business world and is doing good financially.
He is a big wheel only in his mind. Most people can see thru all his
manipulation. He calls only when he wants something.
Sherry - sister - More of a victim than anything. Copes by exercising
much control over her adult children. We used to be close until her
control of L & D caused a conflict. Never the same after.
David - neph, sis's son (girlfriend Mallory Sxxxx). Good young guy,
Lisa - niece, sis's daught. Attractive, smart, emotional - all good YW
Axxxx Pxxxx - I have been in barrooms and church groups. The worst
people by far are the religious types. Especially a right-wing,
stiff-faced fundie like Andy. A condescending, demeaning, passive-aggresive
person. Frigid, rigid, linear and totally inflexible. Being a very serious
person, he cannot hide his frown-lined face. He better not try to smile;
lest his face might crack. I knew children of parents who grew up in
strict religious homes. Religion has a certain stink to it of guilt,
shame, fear, and that moral standard that always contradicts the natural
tendencies and desires of a person. Therin lies the conflict. Young person
cannot experiment with things to decide on their own and establish their
own parameters. So they tend to cut loose and really rebel much worse than
the average young person. Ma and Pa never know what goes on. They easily
BS their parents because they want to believe their little one is an
angel. Andy has a young daughter Bethany Pxxxxi away at college, High
Point University. I saw her picture on his desk. She's your basic,
attractive, young girl. Please reread my entry made on Nov 5th. That's
only one thing she can do. You Andy types out there need to further
strengthen your strict resolve and do more of the same thing! Because
those girls were great when I recall my college years! She is someone's
(or many guy's) little hoe now, I am sure.
Another point about andy. How can someone be cold, vicious, sarcastic
and generally nasty ALL THE TIME and then make the claim about their
church life and how good they are? Total hypocritical idiots.
That's all for now. That felt good.
January 5, 2009:
Was at the gym to lift. Very crowded. Tomorrow
should be good. There is a woman there that gives me a certain look every
time I am there. I decided to walk over and make a comment about the
crowds but she left when I finished the exercise. Better that I do not get
sidetracked from tomorrow's plan anyways. Life is just playing games. One
or two dates with her, then the end. No matter how many changes I try to
make, things stay the same. Every evening I am alone, and then go to bed
alone. Young women were brutal when I was younger, now they aren't as
much, probably because they just see me just as another old man.
twenty something couples everywhere. I see a twenty something guy with a
nice twentyish young women. I think those years slipped right by for me.
Why should I continue another 20+ years alone? I will just work, come
home, eat, maybe do something, then go to bed (alone) for the next day of
the same thing. This is the Auschwitz Syndrome, to be in serious pain so
long one thinks it is normal. I cannot wait for tomorrow!
January 6, 2009:
I can do this. Leaving work today, I felt like a
zombie - just going thru the motions. Get on the bus, get the car, drive
home.....My mind is screwed up anymore, I can't concentrate at work or
think at all.
This log is not detailed. It is only for confidence to do
this. The future holds even less than what I have today.
It is 6:40pm,
about hour and a half to go. God have mercy. I wish life could be better
for all and the crazy world can somehow run smoother. I wish I had
It is 8:45PM: I chickened out! Shit! I brought the loaded guns,
April 24, 2009:
Early last month, we had our second general layoff.
I survived. First one was in November. When I began 10 years ago, that
used to be a nice place to work. I understand the need to reduce staff
when times sour, but this is out of proportion to the economic problems at
this time. The economy is shrinking by about 4-5%. They decided not to pay
Christmas bonus - for staff that amounts to about 8% of yearly pay. Well,
OK. Plus no yearly "merit" raise, another 3.5%. That totals to about 11%
cut. Plus two layoffs of 5% staff in each case. Do the math. I know this
firm is using this downturn as an excuse to take advanage of a bad
situation and kill jobs UNNECESSARILY. The second layoff people who
actually did work were let go. We all need to pick up the slack so the
company can cut beyond what is necesary. Wasn't going to mention it,
because of all this shit, it is K&L Gates, the large law firm
headquartered here in Pittsburgh. Just call it K&L Gates Corporation. Most
people there are OK and I would never have a shoot 'em up there. They paid
me for 10 years, so far!
I predict I won't survive the next layoff. That is when there is no
point to continue. RIght now, life is bearable and I can get by
indefinitely. Something bad must happen. The paycheck is all I have left.
The future holds nothing for me. Twenty five years of nothing fun. I never
even spent one weekend with a girl in my life, even at my own place. Also
unlikely to find another similar job. I guess then is when I take care of
things. I don't have kids, close friends or anything. Just me here. If you
have nothing, you have nothing to lose.
I enjoy writing these entries, I have no plans to go back and edit or
even read most stuff already written. If you get bored, just click that
"x" at the top, right corner of your browser. Bye.
May 4, 2009:
I was so eager to do this last year. The big problem on
my mind now is that my job will end soon. One project is being
transistioned to another. The other one I am solely responsible, but is
being fast tracked to production. I estimate maybe a month. I am not ready
for the job market. I am ok what I do, a .NET software developer. Not at
the top of the class, but I do a good job. I survived two general layoffs
and other little layoffs they are having but keeping quiet about. I hear
The problem is I feel too good now to do this but too bad to enjoy
life. I know I will never enjoy life. This is an over 30 year trend. Some
people are happy, some are miserable. It is difficult to live almost
continuously feeling an undercurrent of fear, worry, discontentment and
helplessness. I can talk and joke around and sound happy but under it all
is something different that seems unchangable and a permanent part of my
being. I need to realize the details of what I never accomplished in life
and to be convinced the future is merely a continuation of the past -
WHICH IT ALWAYS has been. I am making a list of items that will provide
motivation to do the exit plan, it won't be published. I always had hope
that maybe things will improve especially if I make big attempts to change
my life. I made many big changes in the past two years but everything is
still the same. Life is over. Even though I look good, dress well, well
groomed - nails, teeth, hair, etc. Who knows.
What is it like to be dead? I always think I am forgetting something,
that's one reason I postponed. Similar to when you leave to get in your
car to go somewhere - you hesitate with a thought: "what am I
forgetting?". In this case, I cannot make a return trip!
I like to write and talk. Ironic because I haven't met anybody recently
(past 30 years) who I want to be close friends with OR who want to be
close friends with me. I was always open to suggestions to what I am doing
wrong, no brother or father (mine are useless) or close friend to nudge me
and give it bluntly yet tactfully wtf I am doing wrong. A personal coach
or someone who knows what he is doing would be perfect. Money is highly
secondary for a solution.
May 5, 2009:
To pull the exit plan off, it popped into my mind to
just use some booze. I want to do this before I get laid off, for reasons
not worth mentioning but don't seem to have the balls. After the gym, I
stopped at Shop N Save and got a fifth of vodka and a small bottle of Jack
Daniels. I haven't had a drink since September 1, 1988, just over 20
years. It doesn't matter now, I need to use it to take the edge off of
carrying out the exit plan. I will be taking some every now and then to
get used to it and see if the alcohol effects will embolden me. Weed would
be fun to try again. I don't know who has any. Life is over, who cares? I
just need to use common sense, can't drink and drive, etc. This idea just
hit me at a point in time and I immediately acted on it. Same thing
happened when I decided to go back to Pitt full time, first day was
Monday, May 8, 1989, and to buy the house that closed on Friday, September
30, 1996, to name two examples I remember so well.
The list idea yesterday is working. I carry it in my wallet and add to
it. I am feeling to good to do carry this out, but too bad to enjoy
ANYTHING. My life's dilema.
May 6, 2009:
I started the JD. About one ounce with some tea to get
me started. No big deal.
May 7, 2009:
Went to the gym and did mostly cardio. My heart rate
was 117 just from walking on the treadmill at 3.4. This should be done a
few times a week for maybe 15 mins or so to keep the heart active. I
sprinted a few times to push the limits.
May 18, 2009:
I actually had a date today. It was with a woman I met
on the bus in March. We got together at Two PPG Place for lunch. The last
date for me was May 1, 2008. Women just don't like me. There are 30
million desirable women in the US (my estimate) and I cannot find one. Not
one of them finds me attractive. I am looking at The List I made from my
May 4th idea. I forgot about that for several days. That tells me where I
stand. These problems have gotten worse over a 30 year period. I need to
expect nothing from me or other people. All through the years I thought we
had the ability to change ourselves - I guess that is incorrect. Looking
at The List makes me realize how TOTALLY ALONE, a deeper word is ISOLATED,
I am from all else.
I no longer have any expectations of myself. I
have no options because I cannot work toward and achieve even the smallest
goals. That is, ABOVE ALL, what bothers me the most. Not to be able to
work towards what I want in my life. I believe I am deserve that. I read
recently it is called "self efficacy", but who knows. Is that more
May 25, 2009:
I was invited to a picnic, and I went. An older woman
there, out of the blue, asked if I liked high school. Then quickly asked
if I was picked on very much. Intersting why she would ask that. But,
thanks, I already know what the problem is, but a solution eludes me.
May 29, 2009:
Another lonely Friday night, I'm done. This is too
June 2, 2009:
Some people I was talking with believed I date a lot
and get around with women. They think this because I showed an email I got
from a hot woman to the department gossip, but it didn't work out. All
this is funny. Actually, I haven't had sex since I was 29 years old, 19
years ago. That's true.
June 5, 2009:
I was reading several posts on different forums and it
seems many teenage girls have sex frequently. One 16 year old does it
usually three times a day with her boyfriend. So, err, after a month of
that, this little hoe has had more sex than ME in my LIFE, and I am 48.
One more reason. Thanks for nada, bitches! Bye.
July 4, 2009:
Wow, already late evening. I stayed in all day. Can't
believe there was NOTHING to do today. No parties or picnics. WTF. No need
to leave now.
July 20, 2009:
Been a long time since last write. Everything still
sucks. But I got a promotion and a raise, even in this shitty Obama
ecomomy. No more grunt programming. Go figure! New boss is great. He
tactfully says when you did something wrong or complements on good things.
Never confused with him. But that is NOT what I want in life. I guess some
of us were simply meant to walk a lonely path. I have slept alone for over
20 years. Last time I slept all night with a girlfriend it was 1982. Proof
I am a total malfunction. Girls and women don't even give me a second look
ANYWHERE. There is something BLATANTLY wrong with me that NO goddam person
will tell me what it is. Every person just wants to be fucking nice and
say nice things to me. Flattery. Oh yeah, I am sure you can get a date
anytime. You look good, etc. Pussies.
Awwww, wait. I can just start
being self-righteous and say I live a good, clean life. I am holy, that's
all Rick Knapp stuff. Hear that you mother fucker: I Am Just Good!
July 23, 2009:
I just looked out my front window and saw a beautiful college-age girl
leave Bob Fxxxx's house, across the street. I guess he got a good lay today.
College girls are hoez. I masturbate. Frequently. He is about 45 years
old. She was a long haired, hot little hottie with a beautiful bod. I
masturbate. Frequently. Some were simply meant to walk a lonely path in
life. I don't usually look out, but just happened to notice. Holy fuck. I
have masturbated since age 13. Thanks, mum and brother (by blood alone).
And dad, old man, for TOTALLY ignoring me through the years. All of you
DEEPLY helped me be this way.
I wish I can go back to 1975 and fix things. Awe, that wont work, big
BULLY BROTHER would assert his bull shit. He was twice my size. He never
messed with guys bigger than 5'10, or so. He is a PUSSY at heart.
Remember, Michael is my brother (we have common parents, that's all) is
still a BOSS. Repetition only for emphasis: HE IS ONLY A BULLY, even at
50ish! Never forget that! Because he exudes confidence. People believe
bull shit if delivered WITH CONFIDENCE. Get it??
On the same thought, things occured to me today. Michael NEVER had an
attractive girlfriend. Debbie, Barb, Kim, ... then I lost track. Not to
say I had any (execpt Pam, who was about a 7.25). He married a
Chinese-descent, petite woman with no body, no ass, no chest and no
personality. She never laughs or smiles, neither does he. But she is
highly intelligent and an excellent cook. I can testify to that! She home
bakes her own DELICIOUS wheat bread! But who cares about that type of
small bull crap? Mike even mentioned when we were visiting dad that "she's
not very attractive".
I don't know where I am going with this. I am getting tired, feels good
to write and get it all out.
On still another thought, I had 20+ years of sobriety and achieved
nothing about friendships, girlfriends, guys, etc. Zilch. What a waste.
Bye, for today.
August 2, 2009:
The biggest problem of all is not having
relationships or friends, but not being able to achieve and acquire what I
desire in those or many other areas. Everthing stays the same regardless
of the effert I put in. If I had control over my life then I would be
happier. But for about the past 30 years, I have not
August 3, 2009:
I took off today, Monday, and tomorrow to practice
my routine and make sure it is well polished. I need to work out every
detail, there is only one shot. Also I need to be completely immersed into
something before I can be successful. I haven't had a drink since Friday
at about 2:30. Total effort needed. Tomorrow is the big day.
Unfortunately I talked to my neighbor today, who is very positive and
upbeat. I need to remain focused and absorbed COMPLETELY. Last time I
tried this, in January, I chickened out. Lets see how this new approach
Maybe soon, I will see God and Jesus. At least that is what I was told.
Eternal life does NOT depend on works. If it did, we will all be in hell.
Christ paid for EVERY sin, so how can I or you be judged BY GOD for a sin
when the penalty was ALREADY paid. People judge but that does not matter.
I was reading the Bible and The Integrity of God beginning yesterday,
because soon I will see them.
I will try not to add anymore entries because this computer clicking
Also, any of the "Practice Papers" left on my coffee table I used or
the notes in my gym bag can be published freely. I will not be embarased,
because, well, I will be dead. Some people like to study that stuff. Maybe
all this will shed insight on why some people just cannot make things
happen in their life, which can potentially benefit others.
1. Probably 99% of the people who know me well don't even think I was
this crazy. Told by at least 100 girls/women over the years I was a "nice
guy". Not kidding.
2. Lee Axxxx Vxxxx had my baby in early 1991. Haven't seen her since
she was about four months into it. I knew her sister, Chris, from high
3. Net worth slightly more than $250K, (after all debt) as of end of
4. Death Lives!
© 2009 George Sodini
This should not be taken off the web. It is
obviously my view and opinion.
Reproduce this as you wish, in its
**Copy this to usenet/newsgroups where my voice will speak
Don't modify it, you can correct my spelling errors, I used
Unless the names are required legally to be blotted out, then
[Following is Sodini's secret hidden message which was at the bottom of
the page, but commented out in the HTML:]
At the gym I saw a woman I like. I see her at the park and ride
sometimes, so she isn't a stranger. Occationaly she makes good eye contact
and smiles, etc. She is maybe 40ish, and attractive to me. I made brief
conversation to her and a younger woman she was with today. To get a
friend like her (and for night time action) I would cancel this plan, or
put on hold, at least for a while.