Here in the UK, we have all
been walking round with our coats on all day as a result of the
cold weather - even in the house!
It's been miserable.
Not quite Northern Siberia, but pretty close; judging by the
army of forlorn figures trudging past the window on the way to
work every morning.
It's like a scene from one of those
horror movies, where all the zombies shuffle mindlessly in the
same direction; in this case, towards the railway station - in the
vain hope that a train will actually arrive on time for once.
The only time that a train ever arrives 'on
time' in the UK is when it happens to arrive at the allotted time
at which a later train was supposed to arrive.
then they lie to you, and tell you that you must have been
"No. No," they tell you. "You're not on the
7:42. You're on the 8:15."
"Well, what happened to the
7:42?" you protest.
"7:42? 7:42? There's no 7:42 on this
line. Is there Alf?"
"No," says Alf, lying through his
teeth. "No 7:42 round here. You must be getting confused."
"Well, there was a 7:42 yesterday," you tell them.
But that was yesterday," says Alf. "But today is today. Isn't it,
"That's right, Alf," says Bert. "Today is today,
"Well, is there a 7:42 tomorrow?" you ask
impatiently; knowing full well that the reply will not be to your
"Dunno," says Alf. "It all depends on … ". At
which point you just give up listening and hope that Alf will die
and that Bert will be mortally wounded sometime during the next 24
Preferably at 7:42.
But spring was in the
air today - the temperature having reached a whopping 13 degrees C
- and both the missus and I were in a good mood.
she was actually humming quite chirpily as she vacuumed the
carpet, dusted the furniture and polished the mirror before
washing the dishes.
I opened the window to let out some of
the dust and flopped back on to the sofa.
"If you hurry,
we can get to the supermarket before lunch," I informed her.
"That's a good idea, Harry," she said, as she lifted up the sofa
to get at a chocolate of mine that had rolled under it the night
"Any luck?" I asked, shifting my weight to lighten
the load for her.
"Got it," she said victoriously.
"You can have that one," I said. "I've got plenty more in the
Choking back her gratitude, she stuffed it hungrily
into her mouth and even chewed the moisture out of some of the
carpet hairs that were stuck to it.
"You can have another
one later. Perhaps tomorrow," I told her. "If there's any left."
We arrived at the supermarket car park at about the same time
as two thousand other folk, so we spent a good hour and a half
queuing in the road and then circling the car park perimeter en
masse, over and over again until, finally, we managed to shoot
into a spare parking place before anybody else.
Thankfully, I was fast asleep during this whole interlude, but the
missus told me about it later.
I lay in the back seat
staring out of the window and listening to the people coming and
Shopping is such a bore, I thought.
looked at my watch.
The missus had already been gone for
about two hours. I must have dozed off again and not noticed the
She returned some ten minutes later with a shopping
trolley packed to the brim with edible goodies.
remember the Crimbles?" I called out to her as she unloaded the
items into the boot.
"Oh Harry. They weren't on the list,"
"No. I forgot," I replied. "Never mind," I
continued. "You can just pop back and get a few packets. I'll keep
an eye on the car."
"The queues are very long," she
"No problem," I said. "I could do with
a longer nap."
In the end, we did not return home until
quarter to five; mostly thanks to the missus forgetting the
Crimbles and taking far, far too long to load and then unload the
I think that she's slowing down in her old age.
So it might be time for a younger model.
Preferably a thin one; because fat ones eat too much.
Thin ones, therefore, save you money.
(I wish I'd figured that out before I met her.)
But, all told, it had been a pleasant day. And I was feeling
quite relaxed and in good spirit as I turned on the TV to watch
And the supper was one of my favourites.
Leg of lamb, roast potatoes, a couple of chicken legs, chips,
strawberry ice cream and beer.
It was truly delicious.
So I gave the missus what I felt she now fully deserved.
"Here," I said. "Have another one of these chocolates."
And then I tied her up just in case she inadvertently spoke during
an important part of the match.
So, all in all.
A very good day indeed.
Do you know how much a pack of toilet rolls now costs in the UK?
You are not going to believe this.
About 13 US dollars.
And 20% of that is TAX!
That’s right Folks. Here in the UK, you have to pay $2.60 to the
government just to be able to wipe your own a*se!
And I want you people out there to think very long and hard about
that; because it is a crime.
And when, after a hard day's work, you get home at night and
decide that it is time to evacuate the evacuees - if you see what
I mean - I want you to think very carefully about what you are
Could you use one sheet instead of six?
Are there any new women's magazines lying about?
Did your sister or wife leave a face cloth somewhere in the
Where are all those wedding photos of your mother-in-law?
Because no way are you going
to pay some greedy government employee a few cents every time that
you wipe your very own a*se.
Someone else's a*se, maybe.
But your very own a*se?
That a*se is a self-owned a*se.
That a*se is a tax-free zone.
And that a*se gets wiped completely free of all charges!