|
03/01/03
Polygamy - The Pros and
Cons
"GET! ... OUT! ...
... How is Angry Harry supposed to get any frigging sleep!?"
Given that all types of relationships
seem to be valid these days, can anyone tell me what, exactly, is wrong with
polygamy? In my view, polygamy has many things
going for it. It can confer a number of distinct advantages!
For example, instead of one wife
having to wash the dishes before drying them up, with polygamy, you can
have one wife doing the washing, and the other one doing the drying.
Efficiency! Speed!
And, further, if you've got three wives, then
the tea can be made at the very same time! So, you don't have to wait so
very long for it.
Satisfaction.
And just think of all the time that
this polygamy idea would save for EACH of the wives. Instead of doing three chores each, they
would each only have to do just one!
And this same kind of tripartite
division of labour could also be done with many other things.
The vacuuming, the dusting and the
window cleaning could all be divided EQUALLY into three separate parts,
just like Caesar did with Gaul!
And isn't this what women actually say
that they want when they are in their customary whinge mode?
Equality, and a reduction in the
housework!
So. Don't knock it!
I once saw a CH4 programme about
polygamy in West Africa and the women were almost ecstatic about it. And
sharing the chores with each other was one of the most attractive parts.
Of course it was!
You see. Just as there is a herd of
cows to serve and cater for each bull, men and women were designed
for polygamy.
This is why, for example, women who live together menstruate together.
The evolutionary idea behind this is to ensure that no matter how many
women you have flustering about you, you only have one bout of PMS to deal with every month.
Clever eh?
You only have to make yourself scarce
for about three or four days at a time!
And this, of course, is why the men became hunters.
The mammoths, the crocodiles and the
sabre-toothed tigers were nothing but tame fluffy bunnies in comparison
to the frenzied histrionics and arguments back home during what the men
called in hushed tones and frightened whispers, 'That bloody period'.
And this is why the men said meekly,
"OK. We're off now. We won't be long. Just off to get you some food.
Don't wait up."
And, banded together for protection,
they hightailed it out of the place as fast as they could.
You see. Men would not survive
polygamy for very long if women who lived together menstruated at
different times. And this is why Nature positively
insisted that women who lived within 100 yards of each other harmonised their manic cycles of spite.
To give the men who lived with them a
psychological break.
A period of rest.
A patch of calm before the evil storm.
And in order to ensure that at least
some of the men would survive the cruel onslaughts and the seemingly
endless hysteria, the periodicity of women's
moodswings was also engineered by evolution to occur on a
monthly basis in correspondence with the phases of the moon - hence the
word 'lunatic'.
And this gave the men a fighting
chance.
A chance to escape.
Looking at the moon enabled the men to
figure out in advance when it was time to vamoose.
But there was a problem.
The clouds would often hide the moon
from view. And this would create general alarm among the menfolk. And deep panic would spread quickly
throughout the village whenever the moon was out of sight.
The men would gather wide-eyed in the
dark clutching their spears and wetting their loin cloths. "Do we
go? Do we stay? What on earth shall we do? Oh God! Why hast thou
forsaken us?"
Indeed, it was because their womenfolk
became so inordinately deranged from time to time that men were finally
driven to invent clocks and calendars. And these, Oh Joy, helped them
better to prepare for the tidal surge of fuming hormonal
vapours that would periodically and swiftly engulf the village like an evil menstrual smog, choking off
any peace and good-will that might, perchance, have sneaked in among the villagers
during the previous three weeks.
"We'll have none of that
pleasantness in this village!" the women would spit in unison.
"Why are you smiling?" they
would snap viciously.
"Can you not even get the Sun to
shine much more brightly in the sky?" they would sneer
contemptuously. "It's far too cold around here."
And so some of the men late at night started drawing
complicated graphs and charts to figure out the meanings of the
senseless tantrums and the spontaneous rages.
But - apart from the relatively
trivial discovery of Mathematics and Astronomy - to no avail.
And others founded great religions in
order to answer the thousands of questions that seemed absolutely
impossible to answer without causing great offence to women.
But - apart from the rise of
Christianity, Judaism, Islam etc - to no avail.
Others gave up in despair and became monks or
sailors. They preferred their lonely cells or
the high seas to the hysterical nonsense back home.
"We would rather live in the dark
and neither see nor talk to anyone all day," said the monks.
"We would rather starve and then
be eaten alive by sharks," said the sailors.
"No way are we going back
there!" they all yelled angrily as they trooped off into the unknown.
And so it was that many villages lost
the cleverest of their menfolk.
And the ones who remained in the
villages were therefore forced to divide the surplus women among themselves.
Of course, the Chief had the first
choice of women. And he always chose all the pretty ones.
Every last one
of them.
The next in rank had
the second choice. And he mostly chose the women who possessed a good set of teeth
and gums and, of course, a decent pair of bazookas.
The next in rank usually chose
the women who could lift heavy objects and build walls.
And so on, down
the hierarchy it all went, until those at the bottom, well, needless to
say, they were not very happy at all. They often killed themselves
before the week was out, or they fled hotfoot into the hills in keen pursuit of
a hermit's life.
And so it was that, every few months or
so, the dwindling number of remaining men had to gather
themselves together, yet again, in order to parcel out the ever-renewing
surplus of womenfolk.
And this was not a particularly pleasant
experience, because while the available stocks were plentiful, their
quality was now unbelievably low.
"Goodness me. Look at that rabble
over there. Have you ever seen anything like it?"
"Heaven forbid."
"Holy Moses."
"When does the next boat
leave?"
And this is how polygamy came to be the
natural state of affairs.
By capitalising on men's chivalry and
their willingness to provide a home and shelter for even the most
undesirable of spare womenfolk, all the women of the village were
finally able to wangle some advantage for themselves.
And it has been the same ever since.
So, in summary, polygamy could be the answer to
many of today's marriage problems because it definitely has the backing
of menstrual evolution, and it gives every woman access to a man and a
home.
And this is what women really need if
they are to be fulfilled fully and fulsomely. They need a man and a home
to attend to, even if they are only allowed access to a part and a
fraction thereof.
You see. Women are very malleable in
this respect. And they can easily be trained by drawing up simple
timetables and rota-systems that can be pinned to walls or placed on
pillows.
Provided that the instructions are
kept short and simple, they can often figure them out.
And these days, of course, from a
man's point of view, with many wives - preferably four - one
or two of the wives could actually be sent out to work, and the remainder
could stay at home to look after the kids.
In fact, the wives could ALL be
allowed to choose! And so they could ALL
be happy! And, if they all decided
to go out to work for a living, then that would be fine too.
After all, with that kind of money
coming in, you could always employ a Swedish nanny in a short skirt
called Helga who could stay at home all day and deal with the kids.
She would be an added bonus for the
whole of the family!
And shopping, of course, would also be
a piece of cake.
Two of the wives could go to the
supermarket every week, and one of them could go to the liquor store -
and this would give you the extra time that you always wanted for a few more
rounds of golf.
Life would be soooo much easier for
the five of you. (Or, possibly, for the six of you, if you have Helga.)
But what about sex? - everyone asks.
Wouldn't sex cause a problem for polygamists?
No way Hosé.
Hell no!
Think about it.
Instead of having to look at the same
face every night and every morning, you would actually get a choice of
faces.
True; it could sometimes be tough to
make the decision, but then this is exactly what the men were designed
for in these polygamous relationships - to take the tough decisions!
To contemplate.
To ruminate.
To advocate.
To stipulate!
And if the women ever started
bickering with each other, having been fired up by some of their typically insane
jealousies, then you could simply let none of them into your bed for that
night.
"Get out! Get out! The lot of
you. I am tired of these interminable
disputes and petty squabbles.
"And please stop pushing
and shoving! That is no way for any wives of mine to behave.
"No. I'm sorry. That's it! You
shall all have to sleep in the dormitory tonight.
"Not one of you shall be allowed
to pleasure me this evening.
"Out! Out!"
Equality, you see!
Fairness. Justice. Even-handedness.
This is the way that you must handle
it.
(And, of course, there is always the
possibility of Helga in the next room!)
So what, exactly, are the
disadvantages of polygamy in this day and age, eh?
After all, in communities where they
practise polygamy, there are many more women who practise it than there
are men!
So, there must be something in it for
them.
|
