16/02/04

Spend Spend Spend UK women are now spending more money online than men.

God have mercy!

They have found it!

The Holy Grail.

They have finally discovered a way to spend money without actually getting off their forever-spreading butts.

Just look at this woman!

Look at the glint in those staring eyes.

Observe closely that wistful look upon her face as she tries to figure out if she can afford every product on the screen. She is almost dribbling as she studies each icon.

This woman is definitely about to spend!

Her lips are trembling. Her hands are shaking. Her juices are squishing around inside her.

It is the calm before the storm.

The end of civilisation is close at hand.

Forget all those highfaluting notions concerning the possibility that humans might be nothing more than computer simulations.

Forget about WMDs, wandering meteors, global warming and nanogoo.

Forget the millions of aliens heading toward our galaxy with malicious intent or the final fiery death explosions of our Sun.

None of these things will even approach the abject horrors in store for any civilisation that lets its women spend money like water while simply sitting in front of a screen!

This is total madness. Complete and utter lunacy.

And scientists say that we are intelligent!

Huh!

What.

A.

Joke.

Whom do they think that they are kidding?

Well. Certainly not AH.

That's for sure!

We might as well slit each other's throats right now and get it over with. It will spare us all the agony and the pain.

Women sitting at screens will just spend, spend, spend. And then they will start to borrow!

Borrow. Borrow. Spend.

Borrow. Borrow. Spend.

And, anyway, whose idea was all this?

Where are they? Where are they hiding?

Take it from AH, they had better be hiding, or they will be cold dead meat infested with slimy maggots well before it is their allotted time.

Giving women easy access to money is like leaving hungry children in a room full of chocolates which they are not supposed to eat.

They hesitate at first. But then they look around to see who might be watching. And if they think that they can get away with it, they gingerly purloin one of the chocolates and sneak it surreptitiously into their mouths.

They do the same thing a couple of times and then, before you know it, there is an unholy free for all. All hell breaks loose as hordes of screaming children are cramming huge quantities of chocolates into their faces and elbowing each other furiously out of the way.

This is what is going to happen if women are allowed to spend money online. They will get a taste of it, and then, in a flash, they will be so mortally addicted to it that only death or patriarchy can save them.

Millions of them from all over the world will be clogging up the internet with their frivolous shopping habits.

The whole of the web will collapse.

Corporate and business activities will come to a standstill and the economy of the entire planet will fizzle out completely. Hospitals and surgeries will grind to a halt. Traffic queues will be jammed up for miles. All aeroplanes will be grounded. Governments will fail to deliver any of their services.

OK. OK.

Nothing new there!

All communications will be suspended. The oil will cease to flow! There will be no time for any red alerts.

This is 100% meltdown!

This is what women have in store for us.

They should never be allowed to get their sticky hands on so much money. They will spend far too much of it. And this will give them too much power.

Besides which, they do not know the right things to spend it on. They will waste huge mountains of it on expensive clothes, make-up, perfume and flimsy underwear. And, worse still, they will spend just about all of it on themselves.

No. No. No.

Something must be done.

Somebody. Quick. Alert the military!< size="1"